My last post was one that was hard to write and probably even harder to relate to. Especially if you are a parent. I get it, I really do. Trouble is, my perspective is a bit shrouded as much as I have always tried to deny it.
This blog has been a platform for transformation. I've always written to myself, but never have I opened all my deepest, sometimes darkest thoughts and feelings to be viewed by the general public. It is the equivalent of getting on stage naked, opening the door for all to judge. It is exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time.
It can be a freeing experience... but you have to be confident enough to know that just because someone disagrees with you, doesn't make you wrong. You focus on the connection with those readers who can relate, those readers who you may help.
Why do I keep clicking the publish button?
#1: Those of us affected by infertility are everywhere... but we don't know it. No one is walking around with a sign that says... "I can't make babies, no matter how hard I try." I do it because they are out there and they may be comforted by the fact that I am out here too. Being an avid reader, I have survived some of the hardest times of my life by burying myself in a book. It has worked as both a distraction from whatever current misery I was experiencing and it has served to guide me. I have met characters that have been through the same things or even worse. I have felt huge gasps of relief when I read something and realized that I'm not the only one. If I can bring that type of relief to just one person, than mission accomplished.
#2: I do it for me. I do it because I know that this project, above all others has forced my growth. Each entry is a meditation. Some of these perspectives may not be "right" by popular opinion, but that is not always the goal. The promise that I made to my readers (and to myself) when I began was honesty and as hard as that may be at times, I still remain committed to the good, the bad and the ugly.
At the same time, I've used a lot of energy denying anger, confusion and frustration. I never wanted them to see the light of day. As you may have read, I swore I'd never be "that" girl. You know, the one who could admit that her dreams were not coming true and she's damn pissed about it (and why SHOULDN'T she be)?? This is a question I've only been able to ask myself most recently. In all of my spouting off about being grateful and accepting things as they are, I neglected to consider that my way of coping may not have been the most productive or even healthy. That maybe "that girl" had it right. She accepted her anger and she was shameless about it. While I refused to admit I HAD feelings like these...and in the end, jokes on me, my shame has been holding me hostage.
As we all kinda know, denying our feelings does not make them go away. Sometimes, the harder we try to stuff something down the worse it can be when it comes back up. And it will ALWAYS come back up.
Writing this has meant processing all of those things I have refused to face over these years. The ugly emotions may not be charming or funny, but they are human and most importantly, they are real. And for all the times I have spoken of letting something go.... well..... how do you let it go when it's stuck down deep, right where you buried it?
I suppose the only choice I have IS to dig it all up, let it all out and I hope in the end that means REALLY letting it all go. Having never realized that my shame stemmed not from infertility but from the negative emotions I had in regard to it.... this is my new mantra....... authenticity....so, "in your face" shame!
Through these entries I have had to see myself from the outside, identify some of my blind spots, confront my transgressions and develop a better understanding of all of it. I have challenged my own way of thinking and it's been a work in progress....200%. Because of this, I remain confident that my best days are in front of me.
Those of you given the gift of parenthood really have it so much easier in so many ways. There is no denying your purpose in life. There is no questioning why you need to get out of bed in the morning. You have a built-in escape hatch from life's drudgery.... if you've had a bad day all you really need to do is talk or play with your child to be reminded of life's simplicity, fun & beauty.
When my father passed away... things got dark. Having my three year old niece around was a profound relief on my heavy heart. When she wasn't nearby I longed to see her. She brought light where I couldn't find my own. So yeah, I get it. Just being in the presence of a child brings you to a higher level of love and a feeling of basic joy. Thing is, I didn't need to be a mother to experience that or appreciate it. On my list of losses are experiences moms take for granted completely. The overall message of my last post was this.... please, don't add love to the list too.
It's not that easy for those of us on the infertile spectrum... or should I just say "me" if I'm really going to own it? ....... he hem, it's not that easy for ME to watch everyone around me move on in their lives. Yes, I get frustrated when I hear people complain about either being a parent or the three months of "torture" it took them to get pregnant. It's not easy for me to sit back and just be patient, because as so many have tried to reassure me... that's all I have to do. (HA!). How's 13 years of patient for you? That ship sailed. I have to dig deeper to find that reason to get out of bed every morning.
I am still looking for that all encompassing purpose in my life. There are days that this sort of existence can just leave you spinning. Being grateful is one way to answer that - and it's always been my go-to but it doesn't always comes easy. Heck, it really NEVER comes easy. It's just that some days are better than others.
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